How to confidently deal with bullies

Being bullied is certainly no fun but there are ways you can confidently deal with bullies and not allow their words or actions to hurt you.  This can be done by completely changing your perspective about the situation and yourself.

When we look at things with a negative perspective, we are expecting to have problems and get hurt.   We believe that people will treat us badly so we live with unrealistic expectations and leave ourselves open to being a target for bullies.  If we want bullies to leave us alone, we have to feel confident about ourselves and be able to counter their attacks.

Ask yourself why you are being bullied.  Is it because you:

• lack confidence in yourself?
• present yourself to others as being weak and insecure?
• stay away from other people and hang out alone?
• react emotionally when confronted?
• allow others to treat you badly?

Once you know why you are being targeted, then you can start making positive changes.  Now let’s look at why bullies bully so you can look at the situation with a different perspective.

• bullies pick on people who they see as being weaker than they are
• bullies are often victims of violence or abuse themselves and feel powerless over their lives
• bullies live in negative environments that discourage love, kindness and empathy so they don’t know how to treat people properly
• bullies are full of fear, insecurity and are often cowards
• bullies need to feel power over somebody

There is no excuse for the actions of bullies, however if we can understand that they are just acting out because they are hurting themselves we can stop allowing them to hurt us and instead feel sorry for the bully.  There is rarely anything personal going on when a bully hurts you.  It is just because someone has hurt them and they are just looking for someone to dump their pain on.

If you can become confident knowing that the bully is just lashing out at the world and not targeting you specifically, it can make it easier to deal with.  You don’t have to feel bad about their words or actions.  However you should take action, whether they have hurt you emotionally or physically.

When someone bullies you, don’t react in a negative way (crying, running away, saying something back in anger).  Instead do the following:

• tell yourself that the bully is hurting you because someone has already hurt them and that you don’t have to take it personally
• stay calm and walk away
• tell someone you trust about the incident

Never allow another person to hurt you.  If you have done something mean or acted out inappropriately, you might have been responsible for their bullying and you should try to resolve the issue.  However, in most cases, bullying is just the result of someone acting out due their own personal pain and their target is rarely to blame.

 

 

 

 

 

Self-fulfilling prophecies

A self-fulfilling prophecy is a positive or negative expectation about people, circumstances or events that causes itself to become true because a person believes it will come true.  We can literally cause some things to come true just because we believe it.  Self-fulfilling prophecies are often false and can influence people in a negative way.

If a self-fulfilling prophecy is a positive expectation, it can help us reach our goals.  However, if it is a negative expectation, it can stop us from reaching our goals.

For example, a child is struggling in school and his goal is to become a doctor someday.   His parents want him to reach his goals so they encourage him and tell him to study hard.  They are very supportive and make sure he gets all the help he needs to improve his grades.   They proudly tell everyone that someday their son will be a doctor.  Their child will try to make this prediction come true because he believes it about himself.  His self-fulfilling prophecy of achieving his potential may possibly come true.

Now, let’s look at the same situation in a different way.  The same child is struggling in school and his goal is to become a doctor.  His parents never went to college and they don’t believe their son has the capability of becoming a doctor.   They tell him that he is too stupid to become a doctor and they continually discourage him.  They tell people that their son thinks he will become a doctor and then laugh about it.  Their child will likely try to make this prediction come true because he believes that he won’t be successful.  He will probably get a minimum wage paid job and be frustrated with his life, thus fulfilling his self-fulfilling prophecy of being a loser.

Self-fulfilling prophecies can be self-defeating if we are expecting something bad to happen.  If we believe we can’t do something, we won’t even try even if we do have the capability.  If we believe that everyone is going to hurt us, we will allow them to hurt us even if they don’t intend to.  If we believe we are clumsy, stupid or useless we will fulfill this prophecy and respond to people and situations with the wrong perspective.  We may very well be capable of achieving something great, but if we are told that we are a failure, we might not even try.

Have you ever gone for a job interview and already told yourself that you won’t get the job?  Have you ever gone to a party and already told yourself that nobody will talk to you?  Have you ever written a test and already told yourself that you wouldn’t get a good grade?   Have you ever woken up and just knew it was going to be a bad day?  You are probably fulfilling someone’s false prophecy about you.

Parents and other adults often say things that will dampen our enthusiasm or stop us from doing what we enjoy doing with negative words.  We have to build confidence in ourselves and not allow others to influence us in a negative way.  We should never allow the expectations of others to defeat us in any way.

I saw an instance a few weeks ago that could result in a negative self-fulfilling prophecy.   A young child was playing a game with plastic bowling pins and balls.  He was throwing the ball and also throwing the pins, which is quite normal for his age.  There was nothing bad about what he was doing, just a very active boy learning how use his arms.   However, his grandmother started telling him that he was going to be a bully.  I immediately wondered where she got that idea because he was playing alone and to be a bully you have to engaged with another person.  Now, I might have re-directed his energy and showed him how to use the pins properly, but I certainly wouldn’t have called him a bully.   If this expectation of her grandson is continually reinforced, the child may very well become a bully because he will believe that it is what is expected of him.  We should never label a child with a negative label.

Are you fulfilling the expectations of others?  Are you helping create someone else’s self-fulfilling prophecy?  Make sure it is a positive one!

 

 

 

Don’t stick your nose in other people’s business

A few days ago, there was an incident at my home that made me remember this phrase.  My daughter’s small dog, Maizie, was staying with us for a couple of days and she was out playing with our two dogs in the backyard.   Our smaller dog is always trying to put her nose and paws under the fence between our property and the next door neighbour, probably to tease the 2 dogs next door.  One of these dogs is big and scary and it growls and tries to bite our dog but thankfully the fence has stopped a disaster from happening.   I was working in the back yard when I heard our 2 small dogs and the big dog next door growling and barking.   Before I could see what was going on, I heard a loud scream from Maizie and I knew that the big dog had hurt her in some way.   As I ran to the fence, I realized she was caught by the big dog and trying hard to get loose.  Finally she broke away and ran over to me with blood dripping down her face.  I was panicking that part of her nose had been ripped off, but as she kept licking her wound, I could see that it was only a couple of small punctures.   Thankfully, it was just a minor incident, but it could have been worse.

The point I want to make is that we have to be careful what we stick our nose into.   We should always try to help someone if we see that they are struggling, but if a situation is out of control or dangerous, we should stop first and consider the best way to handle it.

• If a friend is noticeably going through a difficult time, it can be helpful if we try to engage them in a conversation and just listen to what they say.   However, if they tell us they don’t want to discuss anything, we have to respect their wishes and let them deal with the situation on their own.
• If we see someone who is being bullied, we should step in and firmly (not aggressively) help them stand up to the bully.  However if there are 3 bullies and one person being bullied, or they have weapons, we should call the authorities and wait close by in case we are able to help the bullied person.
• If the family next door is always arguing, we don’t need to keep watching them and sharing what we see and hear with other people in gossip.  This isn’t really our business and we certainly wouldn’t want our personal arguments shared with anyone.  However if they seem to be hurting each other physically,  we should contact the appropriate authorities so they can get the help and protection they need.

It is human nature to want to know what is going on in other people’s lives, but it is not always our right.  Sometimes by sticking our nose into other people’s business it can do more harm than good.  Take each situation into careful consideration and determine what the outcome will be if you interfere in some way.  If you really think it will help, then give it a try.  If not, then leave it alone.

Help your children build esteem

It is so important that we teach our children how to build their confidence and maintain a strong esteem.  Young people struggle today with their body image, feeling insecure and having distorted ideas about their appearance.   Media pressures are extremely powerful and can have disastrous effects on a child who lacks confidence in their abilities and has very little esteem.   They need the support of parents who can be positive role models that demonstrate through example how to feel good about their own self-image.

When your children are small, start helping them build confidence by working alongside them to master their abilities and skills, supporting them when they fail and encouraging them to try again.  When children feel that they are loved and valued, they will become confident and this will build their esteem.    If you are a parent who lacks confidence and has low esteem, work hard to make positive changes in your own life so you can help your children become confident, responsible adults.  Don’t let your children struggle with feelings of insecurity, believing what the media tells them and allowing bullies to have a negative effect on their thinking.   The article below shows the devastating effects that bullies have on insecure teens.

http://www.theguardian.com/society/2015/apr/16/bullied-teenagers-increasingly-want-to-have-cosmetic-surgery-says-survey

Can Facebook users become nice?

Personally, I don’t think we will ever be able to eliminate bullies and cyber bullies.  However, I do think that educating people can do a lot to help reduce the problem and Arturo Bejar is in agreement with me.

Who is Arturo Bejar?  He is an employee of Facebook and his job is to help teach its users how to be nice to each other and respect their feelings.  Some people may think this is an impossibility but he is actually making some progress.  His team has designed some tools to help people give feedback on any posts or photos that are harmful in any way.  By letting people know that their feelings have been hurt, users have been removing posts.

Social media certainly has its bad points as anything else in life, but it also has a good side.  Being able to send messages, express our thoughts and share pictures is a wonderful way to keep in touch with our families and friends as long as we don’t use it to harm other people or become so immersed in social media that we forget there is a real world out there.

We have to remember that when we are typing a message into a computer screen or cell phone, it is easy to take the human component out of our thoughts.   We can’t see the shock or pain in someone’s eyes.  We can’t see a tear running down their face.  We can’t read their body language.  We can’t hear a sigh or see them fall to the ground in complete despair when they read cruel words or see damaging pictures.  We are not connecting with each other on a human level and we lose our compassion.

When we send a message or picture, we should always make sure that we are not hurting anyone in any way.  Ask yourself these questions:

• How would I feel if I received this post?
• Will this person feel good or bad after seeing the post?
• Am I sharing valuable information or just spreading gossip?
• Am I trying to be helpful or hurtful?
• Am I reacting in anger to a comment or action?
• Should I think first and wait before sending this post?
• Will there be any consequences to sending this post?

Always make sure you think carefully before pushing the send button.  I know how easy it is to say something and then regret doing so.  Once words are written or spoken, they can’t be taken back.  It only takes a few seconds to cause damage that takes a lifetime to repair.  Sometimes reparation isn’t even possible.

Here is the complete article……http://www.nytimes.com/2014/10/23/fashion/Facebook-Arturo-Bejar-Creating-Empathy-Among-Cyberbullying.html?_r=0

Mean Girls-Inspiring Song

We all need to take a stand against bullying. If you see someone being bullied, step in and support them. Remember that you can either be part of the problem or part of the solution. Standing by and letting things happen is just reinforcing bad behaviour. Always show kindness to others and be a good example.

The Teen Years

I ran across this song by accident, and I think it’s amazing. This happens to so many girls, and people make fun of them if they’re cutters, suicidal, ‘goth’, downers. Nobody ever really questions why, or wonders if they might have a part in it. Please listen and spread this song, it’s very touching and might help someone.

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Bullying awareness week

November 17-23 is Bullying Awareness Week across Canada.  This national campaign was created by the president of  www.bullying.org, Bill Belsey, who has won many awards for making the world a better and safer place for young people.  He also created the world’s first website on cyberbullying –  www.cyberbullying.ca and is the facilitator of online courses and webinars through his site www.bullyingcourse.com.  Mr. Belsey has appeared on various programs including Dr Phil, ABC News 20/20 and CNN.  He teaches school in Alberta and travels around the world speaking about various topics including bullying.

Bullying has always been around and always will be, but now with internet availability, cyberbullying has just magnified the problem.  When I was a child, my lack of ability to stand up for myself put me directly in the path of bullies.  Anyone who has low esteem is a direct target because bullies avoid anyone with strong esteem, they will only go after an easy victim.  This is because bullies have usually been abused or bullied themselves and they are looking for someone who is weak, so they can feel powerful and in control of their out-of-control lives.

I read an article this morning from CBC news that says the federal government is ready to put in new legislation to make is a crime for distribute intimate photos without the consent of the person in the pictures.   I’ve often wondered why people are allowed to freely send inappropriate photos of other people anywhere they want.  In the past, I worked for companies and organizations that require signed consent to take and distribute any personal photos.  Now with sites like Facebook and other social media, it seems that anyone can do what they want.  NOBODY should be allowed to pass on pictures without permission.  To me, this is theft – it is stealing the rights of a person to be seen and there should be laws against it.  I hope this legislation goes through and that more action is taken to protect the innocent who are being bullied in any way.  http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/nova-scotia/cyberbullying-legislation-to-be-announced-today-1.2432717

However, something also needs to be done about the bullies.  There are so many children that are raised in homes where there is violence, bullying and abuse.  These children learn inappropriate behaviours and through their hurt they inflict pain on others.  Punishing them is necessary but they should also be learning how to make positive changes in their attitude and behaviour.  Schools should be implementing courses where all children are being taught how to communicate properly and how to act appropriately so they can become responsible, caring adults.   Education is the key to decreasing the bully problem both for the bullies and those being bullied.

Are we doing what we can to protect our children?

We need to stop being silent about the things that are happening to young people today.  Too often, children and teens are the target of bullying and other forms of violent acts and nobody is there to help them.  In our culture we are taught to mind our own business and just ignore things that are happening around us.  But this is not acceptable and it can lead to a crisis situation.

Everyone should take an active interest in what is going on in the lives of their own children and also any children they are in contact with.   If we believe that any child is in a harmful situation, it is our responsibility to do something.   We can’t continue to ignore all the serious issues that are happening.

The following link will take you to an article written by a psychologist with more than 20 years experience in educational research and evaluation.  It points out what happens when we fail to be responsible adults.   Are you doing what you can to protect our children?

http://www.edweek.org/ew/articles/2013/08/07/37azin.h32.html?tkn=ZMSF27GGZeLPugmJWLy3TPmVIskIUi5%2B7KZS&cmp=ENL-EU-VIEWS1

Troubles

Do you ever feel like this picture – that everyone and everything in life is against you? Some of us feel that life is always beating us up and rightly so. The world is a negative place and people are naturally negative and self-centered – we are born this way. Unless we are taught to be positive, kind and caring, we will grow up to be adults who look at life with a negative perspective, have a bad attitude and treat ourselves and other people with disrespect. When we have been hurt, abused, ignored or treated badly we will treat other people in the same way because we don’t know anything different. Hurting people hurt people. So we end up like this pictures. We are being hurt or we are hurting others. If we want to stop this from happening, we have to develop a positive attitude and strong esteem so we can deal with situations in a positive way and not allow people to hurt or disrespect us. Let’s all do our part to be nice to each other and ourselves by being kind and showing love. Hurting each other is wrong and nobody wins.

Canada looking at criminalizing cyber-bullying

This morning I wrote a post about bullying and I just read this news article.  Yeah Canada!  Glad that something is being done about cyber-bullying.    When anyone hurts another person intentionally, it is a criminal act and should be punished.

Canada is looking to criminalize cyber-bullying, Prime Minister Stephen Harper announced Friday, after a pair of teenage suicides provoked by unrelenting online harassment.

http://www.google.com/hostednews/afp/article/ALeqM5i4uFEFM3OKS3oUouI6q4lbyqhCrg?docId=CNG.762d19c791e614cdfd31b01ec3fd1c82.371