How to confidently deal with bullies

Being bullied is certainly no fun but there are ways you can confidently deal with bullies and not allow their words or actions to hurt you.  This can be done by completely changing your perspective about the situation and yourself.

When we look at things with a negative perspective, we are expecting to have problems and get hurt.   We believe that people will treat us badly so we live with unrealistic expectations and leave ourselves open to being a target for bullies.  If we want bullies to leave us alone, we have to feel confident about ourselves and be able to counter their attacks.

Ask yourself why you are being bullied.  Is it because you:

• lack confidence in yourself?
• present yourself to others as being weak and insecure?
• stay away from other people and hang out alone?
• react emotionally when confronted?
• allow others to treat you badly?

Once you know why you are being targeted, then you can start making positive changes.  Now let’s look at why bullies bully so you can look at the situation with a different perspective.

• bullies pick on people who they see as being weaker than they are
• bullies are often victims of violence or abuse themselves and feel powerless over their lives
• bullies live in negative environments that discourage love, kindness and empathy so they don’t know how to treat people properly
• bullies are full of fear, insecurity and are often cowards
• bullies need to feel power over somebody

There is no excuse for the actions of bullies, however if we can understand that they are just acting out because they are hurting themselves we can stop allowing them to hurt us and instead feel sorry for the bully.  There is rarely anything personal going on when a bully hurts you.  It is just because someone has hurt them and they are just looking for someone to dump their pain on.

If you can become confident knowing that the bully is just lashing out at the world and not targeting you specifically, it can make it easier to deal with.  You don’t have to feel bad about their words or actions.  However you should take action, whether they have hurt you emotionally or physically.

When someone bullies you, don’t react in a negative way (crying, running away, saying something back in anger).  Instead do the following:

• tell yourself that the bully is hurting you because someone has already hurt them and that you don’t have to take it personally
• stay calm and walk away
• tell someone you trust about the incident

Never allow another person to hurt you.  If you have done something mean or acted out inappropriately, you might have been responsible for their bullying and you should try to resolve the issue.  However, in most cases, bullying is just the result of someone acting out due their own personal pain and their target is rarely to blame.

 

 

 

 

 

Self-fulfilling prophecies

A self-fulfilling prophecy is a positive or negative expectation about people, circumstances or events that causes itself to become true because a person believes it will come true.  We can literally cause some things to come true just because we believe it.  Self-fulfilling prophecies are often false and can influence people in a negative way.

If a self-fulfilling prophecy is a positive expectation, it can help us reach our goals.  However, if it is a negative expectation, it can stop us from reaching our goals.

For example, a child is struggling in school and his goal is to become a doctor someday.   His parents want him to reach his goals so they encourage him and tell him to study hard.  They are very supportive and make sure he gets all the help he needs to improve his grades.   They proudly tell everyone that someday their son will be a doctor.  Their child will try to make this prediction come true because he believes it about himself.  His self-fulfilling prophecy of achieving his potential may possibly come true.

Now, let’s look at the same situation in a different way.  The same child is struggling in school and his goal is to become a doctor.  His parents never went to college and they don’t believe their son has the capability of becoming a doctor.   They tell him that he is too stupid to become a doctor and they continually discourage him.  They tell people that their son thinks he will become a doctor and then laugh about it.  Their child will likely try to make this prediction come true because he believes that he won’t be successful.  He will probably get a minimum wage paid job and be frustrated with his life, thus fulfilling his self-fulfilling prophecy of being a loser.

Self-fulfilling prophecies can be self-defeating if we are expecting something bad to happen.  If we believe we can’t do something, we won’t even try even if we do have the capability.  If we believe that everyone is going to hurt us, we will allow them to hurt us even if they don’t intend to.  If we believe we are clumsy, stupid or useless we will fulfill this prophecy and respond to people and situations with the wrong perspective.  We may very well be capable of achieving something great, but if we are told that we are a failure, we might not even try.

Have you ever gone for a job interview and already told yourself that you won’t get the job?  Have you ever gone to a party and already told yourself that nobody will talk to you?  Have you ever written a test and already told yourself that you wouldn’t get a good grade?   Have you ever woken up and just knew it was going to be a bad day?  You are probably fulfilling someone’s false prophecy about you.

Parents and other adults often say things that will dampen our enthusiasm or stop us from doing what we enjoy doing with negative words.  We have to build confidence in ourselves and not allow others to influence us in a negative way.  We should never allow the expectations of others to defeat us in any way.

I saw an instance a few weeks ago that could result in a negative self-fulfilling prophecy.   A young child was playing a game with plastic bowling pins and balls.  He was throwing the ball and also throwing the pins, which is quite normal for his age.  There was nothing bad about what he was doing, just a very active boy learning how use his arms.   However, his grandmother started telling him that he was going to be a bully.  I immediately wondered where she got that idea because he was playing alone and to be a bully you have to engaged with another person.  Now, I might have re-directed his energy and showed him how to use the pins properly, but I certainly wouldn’t have called him a bully.   If this expectation of her grandson is continually reinforced, the child may very well become a bully because he will believe that it is what is expected of him.  We should never label a child with a negative label.

Are you fulfilling the expectations of others?  Are you helping create someone else’s self-fulfilling prophecy?  Make sure it is a positive one!

 

 

 

Don’t stick your nose in other people’s business

A few days ago, there was an incident at my home that made me remember this phrase.  My daughter’s small dog, Maizie, was staying with us for a couple of days and she was out playing with our two dogs in the backyard.   Our smaller dog is always trying to put her nose and paws under the fence between our property and the next door neighbour, probably to tease the 2 dogs next door.  One of these dogs is big and scary and it growls and tries to bite our dog but thankfully the fence has stopped a disaster from happening.   I was working in the back yard when I heard our 2 small dogs and the big dog next door growling and barking.   Before I could see what was going on, I heard a loud scream from Maizie and I knew that the big dog had hurt her in some way.   As I ran to the fence, I realized she was caught by the big dog and trying hard to get loose.  Finally she broke away and ran over to me with blood dripping down her face.  I was panicking that part of her nose had been ripped off, but as she kept licking her wound, I could see that it was only a couple of small punctures.   Thankfully, it was just a minor incident, but it could have been worse.

The point I want to make is that we have to be careful what we stick our nose into.   We should always try to help someone if we see that they are struggling, but if a situation is out of control or dangerous, we should stop first and consider the best way to handle it.

• If a friend is noticeably going through a difficult time, it can be helpful if we try to engage them in a conversation and just listen to what they say.   However, if they tell us they don’t want to discuss anything, we have to respect their wishes and let them deal with the situation on their own.
• If we see someone who is being bullied, we should step in and firmly (not aggressively) help them stand up to the bully.  However if there are 3 bullies and one person being bullied, or they have weapons, we should call the authorities and wait close by in case we are able to help the bullied person.
• If the family next door is always arguing, we don’t need to keep watching them and sharing what we see and hear with other people in gossip.  This isn’t really our business and we certainly wouldn’t want our personal arguments shared with anyone.  However if they seem to be hurting each other physically,  we should contact the appropriate authorities so they can get the help and protection they need.

It is human nature to want to know what is going on in other people’s lives, but it is not always our right.  Sometimes by sticking our nose into other people’s business it can do more harm than good.  Take each situation into careful consideration and determine what the outcome will be if you interfere in some way.  If you really think it will help, then give it a try.  If not, then leave it alone.

Help your children build esteem

It is so important that we teach our children how to build their confidence and maintain a strong esteem.  Young people struggle today with their body image, feeling insecure and having distorted ideas about their appearance.   Media pressures are extremely powerful and can have disastrous effects on a child who lacks confidence in their abilities and has very little esteem.   They need the support of parents who can be positive role models that demonstrate through example how to feel good about their own self-image.

When your children are small, start helping them build confidence by working alongside them to master their abilities and skills, supporting them when they fail and encouraging them to try again.  When children feel that they are loved and valued, they will become confident and this will build their esteem.    If you are a parent who lacks confidence and has low esteem, work hard to make positive changes in your own life so you can help your children become confident, responsible adults.  Don’t let your children struggle with feelings of insecurity, believing what the media tells them and allowing bullies to have a negative effect on their thinking.   The article below shows the devastating effects that bullies have on insecure teens.

http://www.theguardian.com/society/2015/apr/16/bullied-teenagers-increasingly-want-to-have-cosmetic-surgery-says-survey

Bullying awareness week

November 17-23 is Bullying Awareness Week across Canada.  This national campaign was created by the president of  www.bullying.org, Bill Belsey, who has won many awards for making the world a better and safer place for young people.  He also created the world’s first website on cyberbullying –  www.cyberbullying.ca and is the facilitator of online courses and webinars through his site www.bullyingcourse.com.  Mr. Belsey has appeared on various programs including Dr Phil, ABC News 20/20 and CNN.  He teaches school in Alberta and travels around the world speaking about various topics including bullying.

Bullying has always been around and always will be, but now with internet availability, cyberbullying has just magnified the problem.  When I was a child, my lack of ability to stand up for myself put me directly in the path of bullies.  Anyone who has low esteem is a direct target because bullies avoid anyone with strong esteem, they will only go after an easy victim.  This is because bullies have usually been abused or bullied themselves and they are looking for someone who is weak, so they can feel powerful and in control of their out-of-control lives.

I read an article this morning from CBC news that says the federal government is ready to put in new legislation to make is a crime for distribute intimate photos without the consent of the person in the pictures.   I’ve often wondered why people are allowed to freely send inappropriate photos of other people anywhere they want.  In the past, I worked for companies and organizations that require signed consent to take and distribute any personal photos.  Now with sites like Facebook and other social media, it seems that anyone can do what they want.  NOBODY should be allowed to pass on pictures without permission.  To me, this is theft – it is stealing the rights of a person to be seen and there should be laws against it.  I hope this legislation goes through and that more action is taken to protect the innocent who are being bullied in any way.  http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/nova-scotia/cyberbullying-legislation-to-be-announced-today-1.2432717

However, something also needs to be done about the bullies.  There are so many children that are raised in homes where there is violence, bullying and abuse.  These children learn inappropriate behaviours and through their hurt they inflict pain on others.  Punishing them is necessary but they should also be learning how to make positive changes in their attitude and behaviour.  Schools should be implementing courses where all children are being taught how to communicate properly and how to act appropriately so they can become responsible, caring adults.   Education is the key to decreasing the bully problem both for the bullies and those being bullied.

Are we doing what we can to protect our children?

We need to stop being silent about the things that are happening to young people today.  Too often, children and teens are the target of bullying and other forms of violent acts and nobody is there to help them.  In our culture we are taught to mind our own business and just ignore things that are happening around us.  But this is not acceptable and it can lead to a crisis situation.

Everyone should take an active interest in what is going on in the lives of their own children and also any children they are in contact with.   If we believe that any child is in a harmful situation, it is our responsibility to do something.   We can’t continue to ignore all the serious issues that are happening.

The following link will take you to an article written by a psychologist with more than 20 years experience in educational research and evaluation.  It points out what happens when we fail to be responsible adults.   Are you doing what you can to protect our children?

http://www.edweek.org/ew/articles/2013/08/07/37azin.h32.html?tkn=ZMSF27GGZeLPugmJWLy3TPmVIskIUi5%2B7KZS&cmp=ENL-EU-VIEWS1

Troubles

Do you ever feel like everyone and everything in life is against you? Some of us feel that life is always beating us up and rightly so. The world is a negative place and people are naturally negative and self-centered – we are born this way. Unless we are taught to be positive, kind and caring, we will grow up to be adults who look at life with a negative perspective, have a bad attitude and treat ourselves and other people with disrespect. When we have been hurt, abused, ignored or treated badly we will treat other people in the same way because we don’t know anything different. Hurting people hurt people. So we end up like this pictures. We are being hurt or we are hurting others. If we want to stop this from happening, we have to develop a positive attitude and strong esteem so we can deal with situations in a positive way and not allow people to hurt or disrespect us. Let’s all do our part to be nice to each other and ourselves by being kind and showing love. Hurting each other is wrong and nobody wins.

Why are people so nasty?

When I was a child,  I had my share of mean comments from other kids that bullied me.  Almost every day, I heard words that were intended to hurt me.  Being small, I was called pipsqueak, tiny, midget, shorty.   Descriptive words were often added:  dumb kid, mouseface, stupid baby.   I hated going out for recess because I didn’t have any friends and I knew that I would be targeted.  Sometimes, the bullies were busy with someone else and I was spared until the next time.  Thankfully, I when I was in class, the bullies had to be quiet and respect the teachers so I didn’t hear those unkind words.  Then when I went home from school, the bullying stopped and I had peace until the next day or the next time.

Today, things are much harder.  Bullying can continue on all day, every day, never stopping.   Cyberbullying can be done 24 hours a day, through emails, texting, and social media.  People who are the targets of bullies can be literally “beaten-up” continuously, which eventually wears them down and can destroy them mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually.

Bullying is a terrible thing that NOBODY should ever have to experience.  There is absolutely NO REASON to hurt someone else in the world on purpose.  NOBODY has the right to hurt another person.  Sometimes we can hurt other people unintentionally, but if we do, we should quickly apologize to that person and make amends.

Research shows that bullies are usually people who have been hurt themselves and they have low esteem.  In the environment they grew up in, they have been bullied or abused themselves and this is the only thing they know.  In order to feel better about themselves, they hurt other people.  This gives them a sense of power and temporarily boosts their esteem, which of course will be gone once they are hurt again themselves and the cycle continues.

People who are bullied often feel that they deserve to be bullied because there is something wrong with them.  This is not true and they shouldn’t allow themselves to feel hurt.  Now, if someone tries to bully me with their words, I look at the situation with a totally different perspective because I understand why it happens and my esteem is getting stronger.  I don’t allow myself to feel bad, instead I feel sorry for the bully and wonder who hurt them so badly that they feel the need to hurt other people.

I also used to think that I was the only one who was being bullied, but I know now that people of all ages and positions in life are bullied.  Again I ask the question,  “Why are people so nasty”?   This is because they haven’t received enough love and the proper attention in their lives and they haven’t been taught how to respect other people.  What a sad and terrible thing to gain satisfaction from hurting other people with words and actions.

Parents, teachers and other responsible adults who are in contact with children, need to try to help children build esteem, encourage them to be nice to each other and teach them how to deal with bullies.  It has been proven that children who have strong esteem are more likely to withstand negative peer pressure and bullying.   Children need to know that their lives have value and that they deserve to be treated with respect from everyone.  We all need this no matter what age we are.

PLEASE watch what you say to someone else.  Your words have a lot of power and they can cause a lot of damage.  We should always try to be nice to everyone we meet.

Raising children in a tough world

It’s a day for reading articles and here is another one I’d like to share.   In today’s world people seem to have forgotten what it means to be a parent.   We allow our children to spend a large part of their day on the computer, the phone or other electronic device and not pay any attention to what is going on in their world.   Problems are on the rise – bullying, eating disorders, violence, hatred, depression and suicide.  Children don’t even seem disturbed by horrific events on the news – such things would have been traumatic for me when I was young.  Parents need to start parenting..   It isn’t easy being a parent but if we don’t do something, many more children will grow up full of fears and insecurities.   We need to get involved in our children’s lives, spend time with them, listen to them, talk WITH them not TO them, set realistic boundaries and enforce them.  If children grow up in a positive, loving environment where they can build confidence and esteem, they will become a responsible, successful adult.  Of course there are no guarantees because the pressures from peers and the media can be very powerful, but with a solid foundation, children will have a much better chance of surviving.

Please take a few minutes and read this excellent article by Wendy Wolff.

Be Brave For The Sake Of The Children

Wendy Wolff

11 March 2013 – 00:00 EDT

It’s 2013.

Your child…has access to a private world that doesn’t include you. They speak a language in code that changes rapidly. They exist with their fingers and minds wrapped around an electronic entranceway to a society in which you have completely relinquished control. They deal with bullying, violence, and childhood hatred in ways that you never had to.

You…spend much of your ever dwindling time cleaning, cooking, holding down one or two jobs, laundry, managing activities, homework, being a spouse, doing the job of two parents, resolving conflicts and simply trying to catch your breath. Maybe there is a minute or two in the day when you get to sit and be still. Maybe not. Regardless of the immense pressure upon you there is one commitment that has been shamefully put at the end of the list, keeping our kids childlike and carefree. Remember the days of playing for hours on end outside with the mosquitoes leaving their welts but we were too busy to care? Now for some reason while we personally covet those days and even long for their return, we settle on giving our adolescents devices that keep them indoors, sitting, angry, and alone.

We… are raising a generation of children absent from the input of adults. How are the youth of today gleaming personal insight and growth from the valuable lessons of those who lived before us if we are not involved? We… have given in to the “wants” of our children beyond our better judgment, allowing them access to things that hinder the positive growth of their hearts and minds. We… have convinced ourselves that this is the natural course of evolution.

Why and how can this be ok?

The neurological development of the brain says when children are in their pre-puberty years, their brains are growing and enlarging with capability. It is clearly a time to get children learning new things. It was found by Dr. Jay Giedd, neuroscientist from the National Institute of Mental Health, that the new cells and connections in the brain will survive and flourish if they are used to learn new positive activities. Those cells and connections that are not used by eleven or twelve years old will wither and die. That’s it, bye bye.

In simpler words, that means if your pre-pubescent teenager is learning to play music, involved with sports, art, chess, or other active hobbies, then those new connections inside of the brain will become permanent forever. They will have more brain to work with! According to Dr. Giedd, if they are purely sitting around playing video games, watching TV, texting, those connections will never survive. How do people not know this simple fact about human development? How is this not guiding every decision we make for our future leaders?

In an article written by Dr. Robert Brooks of Harvard Medical School, he quotes world-renowned psychologist Julius Segal in saying one factor that enables children of misfortune to beat the heavy odds against them is the presence of a charismatic adult, a person with whom they can identify and from whom they gather strength.

How many children/teens are engaged with an adult who truly inspires them when their fingers are wrapped around a cell phone, typing a language in a world in which we have become foreigners? How can we do this if we don’t check their Twitters, Facebooks, text messages, and Instagrams? Doesn’t this make you want to do something? Anything?

And yet we somehow keep stepping further back. We succumb to the difficulty of raising children and let it rule us. We are now more committed to encouraging privacy among our children in an increasingly frightening world than we are to being engaged for their safety.

Is this really okay with all of us? Are we actually happy with the level of torment that occurs between kids, sometimes in a very subtle way, that gets hidden inside of the devices that keep us excluded? We wonder why we haven’t seen the signs before tragedy strikes—but then, if the signs are hidden inside devices that we don’t check, how could we possibly know?

It seems like we are generally afraid. A great friend of mine believes that we have lost our sense of courage. She often says that we have become a self-involved, fear-based society and that this fear keeps us completely separate. It keeps us from standing up for each other, from saying the difficult things that need to be said and from basically helping each other. The fear allows us to let our kids wander around in the cyber world aimlessly filling their growing, beautiful minds with garbage.

Have we decided to sit back and let the parenting just happen? When do we get involved? Being an involved parent and/or caring adult for a child is the hardest job in the planet and makes us go through a whirlwind of emotions that seem scary and unmanageable. Yet, the alternative to feeling the discourse is what we have now, kids who are giving us the rules and who are desensitized to violence.

What do we fear so much?

Are we so intensely afraid of the potential repercussions that we:

• are afraid to see the pain and suffering that goes on between kids and actively resolve these issues?
• are afraid to admit that while the secret to the billon dollar advertising industry is that our brains want to buy the pretty things we see…yet we somehow believe that having our precious children interacting with severe violence and promiscuity will do them no harm?
• are afraid to read every single post and private message of our kids on Facebook, Oovoo, Tumblr, Twitter, and their cellphones and address what we see?
• are afraid to see how out of control the language, sexting, drama, violence, bullying has become?
• are afraid to know the passwords of our children’s accounts and check them regularly to make sure they are protected, happy, and carefree?
• are afraid to shut off violent video games and limit access for the developing minds of our beloved offspring?
• are afraid to limit our children’s access to chemically-laden energy drinks?
• are afraid to teach them how to be positive contributors in their community and world?
• are afraid to actually resolving conflict among children and their tormentors through the use of peer mediation, conflict resolution? Why have we let the bullying problem continue and build up speed in the past three decades? Why haven’t we bounded together and demanded that any adult that is within arm’s reach of our children treat them with dignity and be committed to disallowing any form of cruelty to exist on their watch?

Are we afraid or is it that we are just too tired?

Something has to change. Bullying is at an all-time high with one out of four children in the U.S being targets of bullying by another child. We have one out of five children reporting that they have bullied someone else. The cycle of violent, unkind behavior affects so many children that it now is more of a normal occurrence with that many children affected.

Children are tormented daily by other kids and our system is set up to have zero tolerance but to truly do nothing about it. We either aren’t capable of showing children the positive ways to behave in relationship with each other, or we are too tired.

What can we do to help our children? Why not try to…

• Ask for help from a friend that you trust.
• Demonstrate to the children in your life how to help others.
• Make the time to listen. Really and truly listen.
• Share the information that will help your children be positive, contributing members of society. They will only learn this if you share with them how.
• Pray in any way that connects you with your inner voice.
• Be an adult that cares. So much research has shown that parental warmth or support is key to protecting a child from being a victim and/or a bully.
• Demand that your children give you access to their accounts. If they don’t, be the boss and disconnect them. You cannot keep them safe from things you don’t know about.
• Learn about the food and drinks that you are giving to your children. Balance is key—but over-sugaring, over-food coloring, and over-processed fooding dramatically interferes with learning and managing.
• Teach your kids about the good ol’ days of playing.
• Take the TVs and computers out of your children’s bedrooms and let their bodies experience a proper night’s sleep.
• Monitor what your children are watching. There are all kinds of parental controls on the TV and computer for you to use.
• Talk with your kids anywhere and every time. No matter how uncomfortable it may make you. If you can’t, find another adult who can.
• Do something to help children find a common ground with each other. Bullying will never stop until we believe in the goodness of each other. There will always be things to decipher, but with enough like-minded people we can spread caring, easily and rapidly.
• Commit to be a formal or informal mentor to the children within your neighborhood, group of friends, church, or even within arm’s reach. All it takes is a smile and caring heart.

Thousands have said before this article, and thousands after will, tell you to dig deep, listen, hear the words that your kid is using, watch their behavior, encourage, guide, provide wisdom, advocate for, support, discipline.

Find a blend of those techniques and use them all or just use one. Pick one on this list and experiment with it. Be brave, for our children’s sake. Then, watch it work.

Bullying doesn’t just happen to children and teens

Until a few years ago, I thought that bullying was something that occurred on the playground at school.  When I was a child, I was bullied because I was small and shy.   I remember a group of  bigger boys cornering me at recess, calling me names and throwing stones.   In high school, I just stayed away from everyone so they couldn’t hurt me, but I still got picked on verbally with rude comments and cruel jokes.    I figured that once I left school, I wouldn’t be bullied anymore and it wasn’t until I was working a few years ago for a temp agency that I had a boss who I realized was a bully.   Luckily I had gained enough confidence in myself to not let his bullying get to me and I quit that assignment.

Bullying can happen to anyone at any age right from young children to seniors.   People who are bullies in their youth will continue to be bullies unless something stops them or until they are taught how to act properly.    Workplace bullying is a growing problem and can result in the loss of jobs for those who are being bullied.  Stats say that up to about 1/3 of workers may be bullied.  We all need to take a stand when we see someone being bullied, whether is a child or an adult, and step in to help the person being bullied.  Don’t just ignore what is happening and walk away.  Research has shown that when people intervene, this can put a stop to bullying.  Speak up and tell the bully to stop.   Tell someone about the incident.  Help in whatever way you can.  Don’t risk your life if there are weapons involved or you are out-numbered – this is when you need to call the police as quickly as possible.

Here is a short video clip on workplace bullying.   http://youtu.be/V-q2VRAxjh8

There are several organizations that are working hard to stop bullying and they need your support.  Here are just a few  www.bullying.org   www.stopbullyingworld.org    www.bullyingcanada.ca   www.antibullying.net

What are you doing to stop bullying?