What do you expect from your children?

We all try to live up to someone’s expectations and we all put expectations on other people.   Whose expectations are you trying to live up to?

• your husband
• your wife
• your parents
• your children
• a teacher
• a boss
• a friend
• the world

Expectations can be positive or negative depending on the effect they have on a person.  Positive expectations can encourage people to move ahead and reach their goals.  Negative expectations can discourage people and stop them from reaching their goals.

Parents will often put the expectation on their children to follow a certain pathway, such as being a doctor, teacher, singer, etc.  This can be a good thing if the child has an interest in that field and they are being encouraged to do well.  However, if this is the parent’s dream and they push their child, who has no interest and doesn’t do very well, the child may feel like a failure.

People can also live up or live down to an expectation.  If a child is continually told they always do well, that they are a winner and nobody is as good as they are, they will live up to that expectation but will eventually fail because they can’t keep being a winner.  If a child is continually told that they can’t do something, they are a slow learner or they are worthless, they will live down to those poor expectations and probably not try to succeed in life.

Spouses often have unrealistic expectations of each other.  They think the other person understands how they feel and what they are supposed to do.   Then when they don’t fill each other’s expectations, they are disappointed and this leads to marriage breakdowns.  Friends are the same.  Their unrealistic expectations lead to relationship issues.  Everyone is different, but we expect people to think and act like we do.  We need to listen to each other and learn how to accept our differences without judgement and conflict.  Good communication is the key to understanding each other.

We need to put realistic and fair expectations on a person by:

• acknowledging their unique abilities
• not expecting them to do the impossible
• helping them accept their mistakes
• showing them how to learn from their failures
• encouraging them to try harder
• never comparing them to others

What do you expect from your children?  What do you expect from other people?  Is it realistic and fair?

 

 

 

Real love does not ask for perfection

Being perfect is impossible in an imperfect world, yet people search endlessly for ways to become perfect.   We also expect other people to be perfect and this affects our marriages and relationships in a negative way.

We need to understand that nobody is perfect and try to lower the expectations we have on other people and also ourselves.   Take a realistic look at people and determine what they are actually capable of.

What do you expect from your husband or wife?  Do you get angry when he/she doesn’t buy you that gift you wanted or take you out for dinner?

What do you expect from your friends?   Do you get upset if they don’t call you every day or visit you when you are sick?

What do you expect from your children?  Do you get upset if they don’t clean up their room or get straight a’s in school?

Our expectations on people are often way too high.  We think that they should know how we feel, know what we want and cater to our needs.  Many times this is just a lack of communication or improper communication and they don’t know how we feel or what we want.  Sometimes if we just tell them, we would understand each other and get along much better.

When we really love someone deeply, we do so in spite of their imperfections and flaws.   Expecting perfection from other people is not possible.  Our family and friends may not be perfect, but we aren’t either and we need to realize that we are all imperfect people in an imperfect world.  We need to get real and accept people for who they really are.

Real love does not ask for perfection.  Society puts conditions on love, but real, true love stands on its own and is unconditional.

Focus on what you love about a person and try not to expect perfection.  Lower your expectations, become realistic about your relationship and love unconditionally.

Our unrealistic expectations

We all have expectations of other people and we believe that others should respond in the same way that we would respond.   This causes problems because everyone is different and no two people will think or act in the same way.  What we think should happen in a situation may not be what someone else thinks should happen.

Many people carry unrealistic expectations from their childhood.  Parents are supposed to love, protect and support their children but too often these expectations aren’t met.   Children will naturally try to please their parents but when they aren’t getting what is needed, they will try to put these expectations on other people.  These unrealistic expectations can put a huge strain on any relationship.

A couple of days ago, I did a self-esteem workshop for a group of teens that were experiencing problems in their homes.  We were doing an activity about self-esteem supports and they were asked to write down the people, activities and other things they felt were a support in helping them build esteem.  One of the girls stated that she had no supports at all, her family didn’t care about her, and she didn’t write anything on the sheet.   She didn’t understand that her parents probably had their own unrealistic expectations about life and didn’t know how to love and support their child.  It was a shame that she couldn’t see beyond her family to anyone else because the group that was having the workshop was probably her biggest support.  Being a teen and young adult is such a difficult time of life and support is critical.

It is important that we learn to take responsibility for our own lives and not expect others to meet our needs.  Sometimes other people aren’t even aware that we want them to do something.  There are many things that I expected my husband to do and he rarely filled these expectations.  I expected him to know when I was tired and needed help.  I expected him to remember special occasions (men are bad for forgetting).  I expected him to run and answer the phone when I was doing laundry and couldn’t hear the phone.  I expected him to know when I was upset about something.  I expected him to help me do dishes and take out the recycling.  These are all things that I would automatically do for him and of course I thought he should think the same way.  When reality finally struck me after years of getting upset, frustrated and angry, I became aware of the differences in people.  Did you know that we are all different and we all have different expectations, especially men and women?  Of course I always knew that but I couldn’t see things properly through my self-centered eyes and I wanted everyone to think the same way I did.   Now that I look at life from a different perspective (a logical one), I just NICELY ask my husband to do something instead of getting upset or yelling at him and most times, he is very cooperative.   Then I thank him and this makes him feel important.  Ends up to be a win-win situation and certainly a lot more peaceful.

The best way to avoid having unrealistic expectations is to work on your communication skills.   Just ask the other person what they want and tell them what you want.  Doesn’t that seem simple.  It really is.  Good communication is the key to having a good relationship.  Don’t expect other people to think the same way you do or to read your mind.   We are all different and we need to work together.

How many unrealistic expectations do you have?   Do you communicate well with others?