Understanding men and women

Men and women have always had problems communicating with each other and they always will.  Why is there such a problem with communication?   Basically because people are all different in how they think and act.   Besides these individual differences, there are also big differences in how men and women communicate.

• Women in general are more emotional than men.
• Men like to get things done quickly and get right to the point without a lot of hassle.
• Women like to talk about things and men don’t.
• Women are more nurturing and protective.
• Men like to be heroes and feel powerful.
• Women show their feelings, men try to hide them.

When it comes to money issues, this can be very emotional for both men and women in different ways.  For men, having enough money means they are a success or a failure.  For women, having enough money means security.  If there are financial problems in a relationship, this can make a man feel like a failure and women feel insecure.

There are differences in any relationship and we need to try to understand that we all see things from our own unique perspective.  A lot of factors determine how we understand things and if we are going to have good relationships, it is important that we accept our differences and try to communicate with each other.

Communication is the key to good, lasting relationships and marriages.  When communication breaks down, the relationship will also break down.

How to save a marriage

Being married is certainly difficult especially in this day and ago.   No two people can live together without having arguments, misunderstandings and a million petty differences.  Even the best marriage will have times of turmoil.  If anyone tells you anything different, they aren’t being honest with you or themselves.

My marriage has certainly had its ups and downs and I could never understand why life was always so difficult.  I tried very hard to be a good wife but the harder I tried, the worse things got.   Then a few years ago, I started reading some good books on marriage and I discovered some very important things that we should know about marriage and all our relationships (husband, wife, children, friends, co-workers, anyone we are in contact with).   These things have helped me tremendously by allowing me to understand why people have relationship problems.    My marriage has gotten a lot better.   We are still struggling, but we understand each other and are working together which is really important.

1. Men and women are different in many ways.  Until we can understand and accept our differences we will never be able to communicate effectively and work together as a married couple or have a good relationship with anyone.  We are all different and we don’t have to think and act in the same way.   We just need to figure out what our differences are and how to get along with each other.
2. We all drag our past unresolved issues into a relationship.   Most of us have been through difficult times and are carrying along anger, bitterness or resentment.   This may be on the surface or buried deep inside and just waiting to pop up when problems arise.  We need to resolve these issues so we don’t use our past pain to hurt others and ourselves.  We often pass the blame for our past issues on to those we love and make them pay for things they never did.
3. We are all selfish and want our own way.  Research shows that people are born negative and self-centered and that we need to teach our children how to be positive and unselfish.   Sometimes this doesn’t happen and we grow up to be selfish, negative adults.   This creates a problem in marriages or any relationship because when both sides want their own way and nobody wants to give in, conflict arises.   We need to understand that both sides can’t always be right and consider how important the issue is that you are fighting about.  Most times, we waste hours, days or even longer fighting about the stupidest, most unimportant things.  Selfishness is a huge problem for any relationship and it only destroys, it never resolves anything.

Last week I heard this story about a woman who was fed up with her husband and was considering divorce, but she wanted to hurt him as much as he hurt her before she left him.   You will be surprised at what happens.

A woman was extremely upset with her husband and decided to leave him but she was determined to make him suffer for hurting her and wasn’t sure what to do.  She went to her pastor and explained the situation to him.  She asked what she could do to hurt him very badly.   The pastor told her not to do anything quickly but to take some time so it would have a bigger effect.  For the next three months, she should be as nice to him as she possibly could.   The pastor told her to praise him, cook him great meals, spend time doing things he liked to do, give him hugs and kisses and let him watch his favourite TV programs.  This would make him feel so good that when she finally did give him the bad news, he would be absolutely devastated and she would get her revenge.

The woman did as the pastor told her and started doing everything she could for her husband.  When 3 months had passed, the pastor called her and asked if she was ready to talk about the divorce.  The woman said, ‘No way, I’m enjoying my life now and my husband has started being nice back to me.  I wouldn’t think of getting a divorce.”

I think this story has a great lesson.  That pastor was certainly a wise man.  He knew what might happen when the wife started to be nice to her husband.  He responded favourably to his wife’s actions and the marriage began to repair.  We all want love and kindness.  If we don’t give love and kindness we probably won’t get it back.  If we don’t receive love and kindness, we won’t want to be loving and kind to others.  However, if we are loving and kind to other people, we will likely receive a good return dose of love and kindness.   Kindness has a way of rubbing off on other people.  Many marriages and relationships could be saved if people would start being nicer to each other.    Peaceful relationships are certainly worth working towards.   Sometimes now, just to make peace, even if I know I’m right in a situation, I’ll just let it go.  Some things in life are just not important enough to fight about.  Being right is not such a big deal anyway!  Peace is a big deal!

Miscommunication causes confusion

It is so important that we communicate properly with the people around us or we will have misunderstandings and confusion.  When you communicate with anyone, whether it is verbal or written, make sure you are very clear about what you mean.  Sometimes we think other people know what we are talking about and they really don’t have a clue.

Men and women communicate very differently.  When women talk they are also listening carefully to what has been said.  When men talk, they do not listen very well and will miss a lot of details.    In general, women have much better listening skills than men.  Always be specific, make sure you state all the details and ask for feedback (is there anything you don’t understand?).   When the details are very important ask for them to be repeated.

I heard a funny story today and I wanted to share it with you.  It shows how misunderstanding and confusion can happen if you don’t communication your message properly to another person.  The story is about a husband and wife and a shopping trip that went wrong.  Enjoy and learn.

 A lady needed some things to make a cake and she decided to send her husband to the store to buy them.  Her husband was on his way to a sports event, but he agreed to go on 1 condition – there were only a few items and he could go through the express checkout.  That way he would still be on time for the game.

The husband left and the wife expected him to return soon.  However, time passed by and he wasn’t home, so she began to worry.  She looked up the number of the grocery store and was about to call, but she heard him coming in the driveway.  He came into the house with 3 bags, put them down on the kitchen floor and told her he would be back in with the rest of the bags.

The wife wondered what he was talking about and she started unpacking the bags.  In the first one there was a pound of butter, 2 bags of icing sugar and 3 bottles of vanilla.  In the second bag there were 4 dozen eggs.  In the third bag was 5 packages of lard and her grocery list.  She looked at the list and suddenly realized what had happened.

When her husband asked her to make sure he could go through the express checkout, she had numbered the items 1 through 7, something she had never done before……

           1 pound of butter

           2 bag of icing sugar 

           3 bottle of vanilla 

           4 dozen eggs 

           5 lard

           6 big bag of flour

           7 large carton of milk

She quickly put the list away before her husband came in with the rest of the bags and decided not to say anything at all about the numbers.   Instead she planned on thanking him for being such a great husband.

He brought in several more bags that contained 6 large bags of flour and 7 large cartons of milk.  Then he looked at his wife and said, “I obviously didn’t go through the express checkout because there was too much stuff.  However, when the cashier was ringing up the last item, I realized what I had done and I just wanted to get out of the store because the people in line behind me were laughing.”