imconfident

I sincerely believe that it is far more beneficial and far less costly to help a child build confidence than it is to fix an adult who has little or none.

Do you have damaged emotions?

We have all been hurt at one time or another.  Being hurt is unavoidable and just a normal part of life.  The problem is, many of us have difficulty processing our hurts in a positive way and our emotions become badly damaged.  It is important that we address our hurts and deal with them so they can’t continue to cause pain in our lives.

Here are some steps we can take to heal any damaged emotions:

  1. Face your problems dead on.  If you try to avoid them, deny them or hide them, it won’t work.  Pushing the pain away may temporarily relieve the pain, but in the long run, the hurt will keep coming back.  Take an honest look at what happened and talk to someone you can trust.
  2. Take responsibility for what happened.  Be totally honest with yourself.  Did you play any part in what happened?  Most of the time, there can be blame placed on both sides.  How did you respond?  Did you show anger or did you try to understand the situation?
  3. Ask yourself if you really want your damaged emotions to heal.  Sometimes people use their problems to get attention and to make other people feel sorry for them.   They get stuck in a bad habit and become comfortable struggling with their problems.  This is really not a good way to live as it never allows any possibility of peace or happiness.
  4. In order to heal, you must be forgiving.  First you need to forgive the people who hurt you.  This does not mean that you are telling them it is okay for them to hurt you because it was certainly not okay at all, it means that you are giving up the hold they have on you.  As long as you have unforgiveness for a person, you are tied to them and they can continue to hurt you over and over again.   Tell the person you forgive them for hurting you and then forgive yourself and move on.
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Who has hurt you?

blue sad faceEveryone in this world has been hurt in some way.   In fact, many of us could probably write a best-selling movie depicting all the pain we have been through.  It would describe how we were abused, rejected, disappointed, neglected, abandoned, ridiculed, deceived, betrayed or humiliated.   But how would the movie end?  Would it show us still struggling with our pain or enjoying our new-found happiness and peace?

In order to get over past hurts and no longer be negatively affected by them, we have to face the pain and work through it.  It is like being trapped in a room that is surrounded by fire and the only exit is on the other side of the fire.   The only way out is to find a way to get through the fire and get to safety.   This means that we get a little burnt and feel more pain, but real freedom is only found when we go through our pain.  You don’t have to dwell on past pain.  It is only a bad habit that can be broken with patience and commitment.

Unfortunately, many of us are not able to get over past hurts that easily and they often become a burden that many of us carry right through life.

  • Some of us try to forget what happened and hope that the pain will eventually go away.   This might work for a while, but the pain will keep surfacing from time to time and cause more suffering
  • Some of us try to pretend that it doesn’t matter anymore and that we are just fine.   This also might work for a while, but when the pain comes back it will remind us that we are not fine.
  • Others keep thinking about the pain and it continues to destroy us a little at a time.    Living in our pain every day is not a healthy way to live.

If you want to get rid of your pain, the first thing to do is to open your heart and express your feelings.  You have to be totally honest with yourself.    Find someone you can trust and talk to them.  If you don’t have a trusted family member or friend and you are struggling with some serious issues, make an appointment with your family doctor or pastor who can discuss some options with you.

The next thing you need to do is start focusing on the positives and developing a thankful attitude.  Think about all the good things in your life and be thankful for the small joys – sunshine, a smile, good friends.   Once you have created a new habit of being positive and enjoying your life, past pains will no longer have a hold on you.   Writing is also very therapeutic.   Get a journal and write down your thoughts and feelings.   Make a gratitude journal!

Work on building your confidence and esteem.  When you are secure and feel good about yourself, you won’t allow other people to hurt you.

Surround yourself with people who are caring and supportive.  Listen to them and believe it when they tell you what a wonderful person you are.  People who have been hurt will often feel worthless and think they have no value.  We may think we deserve their cruel actions or unkind words but we should never believe these lies because we are all valuable in our own way.  Many times when people hurt us, it is because they are hurting themselves in some way and are just acting out to release their own pain.

Most importantly, you need to let go of your pain.  Holding on to the past is no good for you.  It just keeps you stuck and struggling.   Forgive those who hurt you.  When  you forgive, you are not letting them off the hook or saying it was okay that they hurt you.  Forgiveness is releasing your own pain so you can heal.

You are the only one who can decide to let go of the pain.  Do you want peace or pain?  The choice is yours.

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A marriage checkup

couple eating ice creamMost of us do regular checkups with our doctor or dentist.  We take our vehicles into the shop for a regular checkup.  We take our pets in for their annual checkup.  But how many of us do a regular marriage checkup?

I often see couples walking down the street, not talking or connecting in any way, seemingly distant from each other.  They appear to be strangers who just happen to be walking side by side.  I see couples sitting in a restaurant eating who are busy texting on their phones or reading the newspaper and not one word comes out of their mouths.  There is no communication and no indication that they even care about each other.

How does life get to this point where people are just existing and not living?  What happened to the excitement when they first met and went out on a date?  They have forgotten to do regular checkups on their relationship and have drifted apart.

Marriages require constant attention.  They need maintenance just like a car or they won’t work.  If your marriage has fallen apart, you need to start doing some repairs.

  • Determine what is missing from your marriage and what you need to make it work again.  What brought you together in the first place?
  • Communicate.   Many marriages suffer because couple stop talking to each other.  Always try to keep the lines of communication open and resolve any issues before you go to bed at night.
  • Sit down together and do a personal assessment.  What are your strengths and differences.  Determine how you can support each other.
  • Forgive each other for past hurts.  Nothing hurts a marriage more than holding on to what has been done in the past.  We all make mistakes but this doesn’t mean we should continue to hurt each other.  Forgiveness doesn’t mean you are telling the person it was okay to hurt you, it is an act of releasing you from hanging on to the anger and bitterness.
  • Agree to disagree.  People think differently.  There will be many instances where you don’t agree and this is okay.
  • Find activities that you can both enjoy.  It is okay for couples to have different interests and spend time with friends, but it is important that you have activities to enjoy together.  Try something new that neither of you have ever done.  It could be fun!
  • Spend time together.  Many couples are too busy with work and outside activities that they rarely spend time together.  This will push people further away from each other.  Try to eat together, watch a good movie, take a walk or sit and watch the sunset.  Take a vacation to a romantic location and bring back that old spark you used to have.

If you take the time to do regular checkups on your marriage, it will run a lot smoother.  You will feel better, have more energy and enjoy life.   Don’t wait any longer.  Get started today!

 

 

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These are definitely things that can bring happiness.

Simple Tom

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