I sincerely believe that it is far more beneficial and far less costly to help a child build confidence than it is to fix an adult who has little or none.

Fix the one you have

Couple Having Breakfast in BedWhen we get married, we think life is going to be great.  We now have a partner that we love and want to share our life with.  Unfortunately, this wonderful love story starts to lose its magic when we realize that the person we married is not who we expected them to be.   We have arguments and misunderstandings.  We get angry and upset.   We lose interest in each other and start looking for other people to spend time with.   Communication breaks down and life becomes extremely difficult.  Then all too often, the result is separation or divorce.

Most married people have considered leaving their mate at one time or another, including myself.   But many of us hang in there for the children or because we still hope things might change.  The problem is, we keep hoping that our mate will change so we can be happy and our marriage will be great.  In reality, change IS possible, but we can’t change our mate – the only person we can change is ourselves.

What most people don’t stop to consider it that NOBODY will be exactly the way they want them to be.  If you leave a marriage because you don’t like something about your mate and look for someone who is better, you might as well not bother wasting your time, because you won’t find that ‘perfect’ mate and there will be something wrong with that new person.

Unless someone is treating you very badly, it would be much better to try to FIX THE ONE YOU HAVE!   You got married because you loved something about that person and that probably hasn’t changed.  You just discovered some problems that you didn’t like.  BUT, you already know the problems you are dealing with – if you find someone else, you will soon find out you have different problems to deal with and they might be worse than what you had.

The problem with marriage and any relationship is that we want everything our own way and we give up too easily.  Marriage is difficult and we have to work hard to make it last.  It’s easy to give up but that doesn’t resolve anything.

Marriage can be wonderful and fulfilling if both partners work together and try to help meet each other’s needs.  Instead of being selfish and only being concerned about making ourselves happy, we need to show love to our partner and the rest of our family.   This is the only way to find our own happiness.

This quote sums up what I have just said in just one simple sentence……

Success in marriage does not come merely through finding the right mate, but through being the right mate.  ~Barnett R. Brickner



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The following article was posted on my facebook page and I wanted to share it with you.  I don’t know if it is a true story or a made up on but it teaches a great lesson.  It is about marriage, but the message it sends can also relate to any relationship we have.  In the world today, people are encouraged to be selfish and think about their own needs instead of thinking about others.  We hear slogans like…..have it your way….you deserve a break…spoil yourself…..indulge yourself…’s all about ‘YOU”.  Unfortunately when we think about ourselves first, it creates problems in our marriages and other relationships.  If we want to have good relationships and strong marriages we have to work hard at doing things to make the other person happy and then this will come back and make us happy.  Love is like a boomerang;  when it goes out, it always comes back.  Please read the following story and consider what it means to your own life.
The acknowledged creator of the story is Prince Akhiro Sangukho.  You can follow his daily Updates: Just click and follow the link.   Thank you & God bless us all
“When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I’ve got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes. Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.  She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why? I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man!                                                                                                                                    
That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn’t love her anymore. I just pitied her!
With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.
The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane. When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again. married couple
In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage. This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that every day for the month’s duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.
I told Jane about my wife’s divorce conditions.  She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.
My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don’t tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.
On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.
On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.
On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn’t tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger. She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily. Suddenly it hit me… she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head. Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it’s time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last-minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day. But her much lighter weight made me sad.
On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy. I drove to office…. jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind…I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore. She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other anymore.
Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart. Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away. At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The sales girl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I’ll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.
That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed – dead. My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push through with the divorce.— At least, in the eyes of our son—- I’m a loving husband…. The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse’s friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. If you are not in a relationship now, remember this for the second (or third) time around. It’s never too late. If you don’t share this, nothing will happen to you. If you do, you just might save a marriage. Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up. ♥ Thank you for reading.
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How to save a marriage

oriental couple upsetBeing married is certainly difficult especially in this day and ago.   No two people can live together without having arguments, misunderstandings and a million petty differences.  Even the best marriage will have times of turmoil.  If anyone tells you anything different, they aren’t being honest with you or themselves.

My marriage has certainly had its ups and downs and I could never understand why life was always so difficult.  I tried very hard to be a good wife but the harder I tried, the worse things got.   Then a few years ago, I started reading some good books on marriage and I discovered some very important things that we should know about marriage and all our relationships (husband, wife, children, friends, co-workers, anyone we are in contact with).   These things have helped me tremendously by allowing me to understand why people have relationship problems.    My marriage has gotten a lot better.   We are still struggling, but we understand each other and are working together which is really important.

  1. Men and women are different in many ways.  Until we can understand and accept our differences we will never be able to communicate effectively and work together as a married couple or have a good relationship with anyone.  We are all different and we don’t have to think and act in the same way.   We just need to figure out what our differences are and how to get along with each other.
  2. We all drag our past unresolved issues into a relationship.   Most of us have been through difficult times and are carrying along anger, bitterness or resentment.   This may be on the surface or buried deep inside and just waiting to pop up when problems arise.  We need to resolve these issues so we don’t use our past pain to hurt others and ourselves.  We often pass the blame for our past issues on to those we love and make them pay for things they never did.
  3. We are all selfish and want our own way.  Research shows that people are born negative and self-centered and that we need to teach our children how to be positive and unselfish.   Sometimes this doesn’t happen and we grow up to be selfish, negative adults.   This creates a problem in marriages or any relationship because when both sides want their own way and nobody wants to give in, conflict arises.   We need to understand that both sides can’t always be right and consider how important the issue is that you are fighting about.  Most times, we waste hours, days or even longer fighting about the stupidest, most unimportant things.  Selfishness is a huge problem for any relationship and it only destroys, it never resolves anything.

Last week I heard this story about a woman who was fed up with her husband and was considering divorce, but she wanted to hurt him as much as he hurt her before she left him.   You will be surprised at what happens.

A woman was extremely upset with her husband and decided to leave him but she was determined to make him suffer for hurting her and wasn’t sure what to do.  She went to her pastor and explained the situation to him.  She asked what she could do to hurt him very badly.   The pastor told her not to do anything quickly but to take some time so it would have a bigger effect.  For the next three months, she should be as nice to him as she possibly could.   The pastor told her to praise him, cook him great meals, spend time doing things he liked to do, give him hugs and kisses and let him watch his favourite TV programs.  This would make him feel so good that when she finally did give him the bad news, he would be absolutely devastated and she would get her revenge.

The woman did as the pastor told her and started doing everything she could for her husband.  When 3 months had passed, the pastor called her and asked if she was ready to talk about the divorce.  The woman said, ‘No way, I’m enjoying my life now and my husband has started being nice back to me.  I wouldn’t think of getting a divorce.”

I think this story has a great lesson.  That pastor was certainly a wise man.  He knew what might happen when the wife started to be nice to her husband.  He responded favourably to his wife’s actions and the Couple Using Cameramarriage began to repair.  We all want love and kindness.  If we don’t give love and kindness we probably won’t get it back.  If we don’t receive love and kindness, we won’t want to be loving and kind to others.  However, if we are loving and kind to other people, we will likely receive a good return dose of love and kindness.   Kindness has a way of rubbing off on other people.  Many marriages and relationships could be saved if people would start being nicer to each other.    Peaceful relationships are certainly worth working towards.   Sometimes now, just to make peace, even if I know I’m right in a situation, I’ll just let it go.  Some things in life are just not important enough to fight about.  Being right is not such a big deal anyway!  Peace is a big deal!

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