imconfident

I sincerely believe that it is far more beneficial and far less costly to help a child build confidence than it is to fix an adult who has little or none.

Looking for the right mate?

on October 9, 2015

Have you found the right mate?  You know, the one who treats you the way you expect.  The one who brings home flowers and always remembers your birthday.  The one who showers you with attention and compliments you often.

Well, this kind of mate is hard to find.  When we are dating, we often put our best food forward and treat other people with kindness and respect.  We want them to see our good points and usually work very hard to impress them.  Then we get married and expect life to be great with this wonderful person that we have fallen in love with.

As the months and years go by, things change.   Work, kids, household chores, finances and other things start getting in the middle of our relationship and we stop treating each other the way we used to.  The love that drew us together is lost in the busyness of life.  Communication breaks down and when we do have a conversation, it ends up in an argument. Other things take priority and we start to wonder what we ever saw in this person.   We decide that the marriage is just not working out and start thinking about separation or divorce.  We even start looking around for ‘the right mate’.

Before a relationship even gets to this point, we should pay attention to the warning signs that something is wrong and try to determine what changes need to be made.  Instead of giving up and blaming your spouse for not living up to your expectations, look at how BOTH of you are acting.

  • What is your spouse doing that is different?
  • What are you doing that is different?
  • What are your expectations of each other?
  • Do you blame your spouse for all your problems or do you take responsibility for your own actions?
  • Are you working TOGETHER to make the marriage work or are you working independently looking for things that only make you happy?

Many problems in marriages are the result of unrealistic expectations.  We determine what we want the other person to do and when they don’t meet these expectations, we feel unloved and unappreciated.    Our selfish nature takes control and tells us that we don’t deserve to be treated this way.

If you want success in a marriage, it doesn’t necessarily come from finding the perfect mate.   You can look for your entire life and you will never find a perfect person.   We don’t have to find the right mate, we have to work hard to be the right mate.  If you leave your mate looking for someone who is better, you are wasting your time because there will be something wrong with everyone you meet.   We all have imperfections and flaws and when we love someone, we can learn to accept them.    We are all different and this is what makes life interesting and exciting.

If your spouse is abusive, then you should consider the situation carefully and make the appropriate choices.  However, if you are not communicating or spending a lot of time fighting or avoiding each other, then try to work on your problems TOGETHER.  You already know what you are dealing with and if you give up and find someone else, you’ll just have a new set of problems to deal with.

Marriage isn’t easy but many people give up way to easily on a relationship that could have worked out if both parties had just tried to meet each others needs instead of trying to find their own happiness.

So instead of looking for the right mate, ask yourself – Am I the right mate?

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